Better Than a Birthday: 20 Things 20 Years of Sobriety Taught Me
January 5 is my favorite day of the year. Better than my birthday. Twenty years ago, I checked into a Florida rehab, leaving behind an especially cold New Jersey winter. I had little more than an eighth grade education, and few life ambitions. Mostly to make money and not die. I doubted I would make it. A bright future seemed out of reach.
Twenty years later, the rough-and-tumble of life is better than I could have imagined. I have kids and a husband, a home and community. I love my work, and that eighth grade education ended up stretching from GED to graduate degrees. I even wrote a book.
Today, I celebrate so much more than getting sober. January 5 is also the day I started college, got accepted into Teach For America, and received a full scholarship to graduate school. It’s the day I went to the White House for the first time, the birthday of my best boss, and almost the day my husband proposed (technically, he proposed after midnight).
In our house, January 5 is a holiday that celebrates life and magic. And so, as I reflect on what I’ve learned along the way, I thought I would share it with you.
Here are 20 things sobriety has taught me about life. These lessons have not only helped me make it, but have enabled me to take life for all it has to offer:
• Celebrate Survival. Our pursuit of success and a better life can keep us from fully appreciating the strength of survival, and the power of the survivor. Survival is a remarkable feat that is worth our attention and celebration.
• Look for Magic and Let Wonder Lead. I wake up on January 5 like it’s Christmas morning. I never know what will happen. It’s that posture of awe and belief that I seek to bring into my everyday life.
• Practice Gratitude. Life is beyond anything I thought it would be. Even when it’s hard and messy and complicated. Even in the middle of a pandemic. Gratitude grounds.
• Be Where You Are. I’ve learned to live life in seasons. I’m most disappointed when I wish I was somewhere else. Being present and not longing for what’s next is an art form I continue to try and master.
• Clear Eyes, Full, Hearts, Can’t Lose. Thanks Friday Night Lights. How right you are. I want to see and love every moment and each person in my life. Fully.
• Treasure Your Lifers. I need to be known. My lifetime girlfriends are the anchors and accountability that keep me learning and believing and reaching beyond what I might choose for myself.
• Stay Curious. This life is amazing! There is so much to learn, and so many questions to be answered. Going through life with questions and a desire to learn is the only way to do it.
• Don’t Worry Twice. Thanks, Grandma. Best advice ever. So hard to put into practice. So many of my worst moments, weren’t moments at all. They were just worry lodged in my brain. I’m a total catastrophizer.
• Acceptance is a Practice. Isn’t it though? This one is tricky, but good. Acceptance of who people are, for what has happened, for decisions that I don’t understand. For loss and hardship. Acceptance is key to my happiness.
• Ease In. I’m not a morning person and that’s ok. There’s nothing better than a slow morning of kid cuddles in our big bed, with hot coffee and a good book. It’s the supreme pleasure of my life. Something worth savoring.
• Beware the Overwhelm. Indeed. This is the thing that will get me and pull me into the sludgy darkness of despair. There is so much to be overwhelmed about. I’m constantly trying to quiet, calm down, and simplify.
• Choose Integrity. This might be the hardest lesson. Maybe this should be “choose integrity, even when it doesn’t win right away, and people don’t realize you’ve chosen it.” There have been many instances, especially in my work life, where I have had to show up and make an unpopular decision because it was the right one.
• There are Multiple Versions of the Truth. I have had to get ok with living my life in ways that acknowledge and honor my own truth, other people’s truths, and the understanding that the older I get, the more the truth changes.
• You Can Only Control Your Actions. If only I could control your actions, or your reactions to me. But I can’t. This lesson comes straight from the rooms of recovery and it’s a good one. Super hard.
• It’s Probably Not About Me. I am the only one who thinks about me as much as I do. Sometimes people have been pretty awful, mean even. Distance and perspective are real healers.
•Do the Next Right Thing. Twenty years provided plenty of times when I didn’t know what to do. Whenever that happens, I just try to do whatever is best, next.
• Remember Your Roots. I am who I am because of my culture, my circumstances, and the community that has surrounded me at each stage of life. I’m always better when I remember that.
• Keep a Record. Last night I poured through two decades of writing. It was powerful to see the growth across time. Even if I just have time to jot down a line or two, journaling is totally worth it.
• Own Your Story. My story is my own. It’s not anyone else’s to use, and it’s mine to learn from and live with. It’s precious and one-of-a-kind.
• Expect and Embrace Change. It will happen no matter what. Change can destroy or refine. Today I choose to let it refine me.
Turns out, there is a lot that can happen in 20 years. And the research says I might live to be 100, maybe even 120. So here’s to hoping there’s a lot more living and learning in the many years to come. It seems this (sober) life is really worth living.
